Pandora Shepard's Alphabet Fic
by pandasize
Summary: A collection of drabbles that feature the mishaps and adventures of Pandora Shepard.
1. Chapter 1

**A is for Abuela's Cookies**

* * *

"These cookies taste like shit," Shepard grumbles while reaching for a third. Midnight snacking isn't a guilty pleasure; it's a routine burden for most biotics, and tonight was no exception. She's exhausted from a day of charging and throwing centurions, but the growling in her stomach won't let her rest. "EDI?" she whispers, not wanting to wake the turian beside her.

"Commander?" the AI responds at an equally low volume.

"Please have Traynor redirect any future gifts from James," she mutters groggily. Vega means well. She knows this. He's always eager to show off his cooking and feed the crew. But if she had to be honest, this particular recipe should have died with abuela. There's a sour substance stuck to the back of her teeth, and that's nothing compared to the acid bubbling in her lower esophagus. "God, I think these are giving me _heartburn._"

There is a brief pause before EDI speaks again. "Commander, it may be important to note that the edibles being consumed are _not_ from Lieutenant Vega."

Shepard stops her chewing. "But Traynor said she left cookies from James in my cabin…"

"She did," EDI confirms. "And they are secured in the white bag on your desk."

Shepard notices the paper sack across the room; _'LOLA' is _haphazardly etched across its flap. She looks down at the nauseatingly pink box in her lap. She'd found it on the floor. "EDI …what the hell am I eating?"

"Cipritine Chocolate Chewies," the AI offers helpfully. "Sent from Dr. Chloe Michel."

* * *

Garrus awakens to find a sticky smear across his right mandible. The stench of turian chocolate fills his nostrils, and a cascade of crumbs tumbles off his hide when he sits up. On his pillow, a pile of misshapen sweets outline the shape of his head like a crime scene. He'd like to ask what happened, but Shepard is no where to be found. And the trail of torn pink cardboard is no help at all.


	2. Chapter 2

**B is for Buoyancy**

"He's _not_ ready," Garrus' subvocals are strained, and he's not sure if he should tear his son right out of Shepard's arms.

Meanwhile, his wife pays him no heed, ambling towards the space station's communal pool as though it wasn't an obvious death trap.

"Garrus, relax. Ships crash land, boats overturn, and planets —like _Earth_— can consist of large bodies of water," Shepard explains casually for the fifth time. "I will _not_ raise a son who tromps around the galaxy without knowing basic survival skills. Junior's learning how to swim whether you like it or not."

"But he's just a baby!"

"And babies naturally take to water. In fact, the earlier you teach them the better. Didn't you watch any of the vids I sent you?" Shepard's emerald eyes narrow with annoyance. "My father taught me how to swim on a station just like this at Junior's age, and it turned out just fine!"

"But you're _human_," Garrus sighs with exasperation. "Just like all the other babies in those vids." His family edges closer to the pool, and he wraps his talons around his wife's shoulders as a final plea. "You can't arbitrarily assign human attributes to our son, Shepard."

"But it's okay for you to impose turian limitations?" The words stop Garrus in his tracks, and Shepard regrets it almost instantly. "I'm sorry, honey. It's just…Junior is _my_ baby too, and I would never be reckless enough to put him in danger. You know?" She gestures towards a buoyant volus toddler floating happily on his back. "This pool is only about waist deep, and it's _full_ of children. See?"

Garrus stares momentarily at the volus bobbing nonchalantly in the waves. There is even a young turian boy swimming with a donut-shaped contraption around his waist. After a second or two, he begrudgingly grumbles a concession, but remains near the water's edge. His eyes stay fixed on his son, just few feet away.

"Alright, are we ready to have some fun?" Shepard chirps cheerfully to the baby krogan dangling in her arms. Junior nods vigorously, stubby toes skimming the bright blue water. His stump of a tail wags enthusiastically. "Okaaay… here we gooo! Weee!"

Junior emits a raspy squeal of delight when he's dunked. The strain on Shepard's arms give slightly to the change of weight in the water. Junior was small, but extremely heavy for his age…even for a krogan.

But it seemed like only yesterday that they went to visit Wrex on Tuchanka, and came home with this orphan. The baby was found abandoned; its clan effectively wiped out by an unfortunate run in with a thresher maw. And the lone surviving infant was brought to Clan Urdnot for protection.

Wrex joked that Shepard should raise the baby since the clan leader had enough children of his own. Plus, Shepard had done such a good job with Grunt. The offer turned serious when Shepard and Garrus didn't laugh. Instead, they looked to Wrex with a sharp glint of hope in their eyes. After all, they'd been talking about starting a family for quite some time. An opportunity like this just hadn't presented itself. Until now.

"It's a runt," Wrex warned, but they didn't care.

No one knew the infant's name, so Garrus called him 'Junior' as an affectionate placeholder until they could agree on a better name. But they never did, and so 'Junior' came to stay.

Junior the runt. Junior Shepard-Vakarian. Junior, their — _wow, when did he get so big?_— son.

_And now, Junior the swimming krogan,_ Shepard hopes.

"Papa!" her baby splashes his chubby arms against the water excitedly. Everything but his face and hump is fully submerged.

"See? He's loving it!" Shepard beams at her overly anxious husband. "Look at his face!"

Junior looks like he could headbutt his own mother from sensory overload. "PAPA!" he roars gleefully again. "RAAAAH!" The knot between Garrus' brow plates loosen ever so slightly.

"Just keep holding on to him," Garrus warns, checking the firmness of a nearby flotation device. "Keep his face above the water."

Shepard sighs. "Well, he'll never _learn_ if we don't let him try on his own. Here. Watch." She relaxes her grip, and Junior's amber eyeballs grow large with alarm. He topples over and hits the bottom of the pool like a sack of bricks —_head first_. A silent wail emerges as a tornado of bubbles beneath the water.

"Oh shit!"Before she can even bend over, Garrus swoops in, extracting Junior from the water. In all their suicide missions, Shepard doesn't recall ever seeing the turian move quite so fast.

"I told you!" his subvocals buzz with irritation. "I told you this was a bad, _bad_ idea!" Junior coughs and spews an impressive amount of chlorine water into his father's cowl. "It's alright. Get it out…" Garrus pats his son's back, glaring daggers at his wife. "Your mother is so stubborn, isn't she?"

"I didn't know he'd just topple over and sink like lump!" Shepard protests defensively.

"He's _all_ head and hump. What did you expect?!"

And with that, Shepard can't help but to laugh. She doesn't mean to, but the sight of Garrus' fiercely protective countenance while Junior steadily fills his cowl with spit up is too much. Garrus is too much. One claw adjusts the squat little krogan over his shoulder, while the other feebly pulls at his slipping swim trunks.

_Why didn't they make decent swim apparel with a good turian fit? Oh right, for the same reasons they didn't make any for krogan. They aren't meant to swim!_

"I'm sorry! Oh god, I'm _so_ sorry!" Shepard wipes a tear away between bouts of uncontrollable chuckling. She rests a gentle hand against her husband's scarred mandible. "It's just…your face…and our baby….he really _is_ all head and hump isn't he? What was I thinking? And when did he get so big?"

Garrus' mandibles flare slightly in what Shepard recognizes as a turian smile. "It's my fault too." A teasing lilt returns to his voice. "Maybe I shouldn't buy him all that extra Tummy Tingling Tuchanka sauce." He manages to get out of the pool without dropping Junior or flashing the other spacer families. "We spoil him."

"It's nice to have someone to spoil," Shepard wraps Junior in a towel and bounces him lightly.

"It is," Garrus agrees softly.

"Hey…do you think he'd take to ice skating?"


End file.
